


zesty serenades (and other useless things)

by trapezoidscheme



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/F, Trans Character, can i get some fucken uuuuuhhhhh women in sunny, canon typical drinking, dee says ps-cho at a point, no nsfw stuff but its Implied
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 12:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10876746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trapezoidscheme/pseuds/trapezoidscheme
Summary: Running into Carmen at The Rainbow is probably the most humiliating moment of Dee’s entire life, and that’s counting the time in high school when Dennis put bright green hair dye in her shampoo. It all happens very suddenly: one minute, Dee is sitting alone at the bar and nursing her third beer of the night, and the next minute, Mac’s ex is trying to be buddy-buddy with her. Of course.tldr: Dee and Carmen. What more could you want?





	zesty serenades (and other useless things)

**Author's Note:**

> in a world... where Carmen's husband doesn't exist...

Running into Carmen at The Rainbow is probably the most humiliating moment of Dee’s entire life, and that’s counting the time in high school when Dennis put bright green hair dye in her shampoo. It all happens very suddenly: one minute, Dee is sitting alone at the bar and nursing her third beer of the night, and the next minute, Mac’s ex is trying to be buddy-buddy with her. Of course.

“Hey!” Carmen says as she approaches, all bright smiles and sparkling eyes. “You’re Dee, right? What are you doing here?”

“How about you mind your own business?” Dee spits back, adding a slur as an afterthought, just for good measure. Carmen pays it no mind, asks the bartender for two of something called a “Zesty Serenade” and settles into a bar stool, still looking at Dee earnestly.

“I don’t really go to these kinds of places often, you know,” Carmen shouts above the music, as if Dee asked for her life story. “But, my friend dragged me out here, and then he kind of ditched me, so…” Carmen trails off with another smile, gesturing towards a guy with bright pink hair grinding with someone on the dance floor. Definitely a twink, maybe even a twank, Dee judges. 

“That really sucks for you,” Dee says, trying to implant as much boredom into her voice as possible. Their drinks are set down in front of them and Dee wrinkles her nose at their bright orange color and the tacky little umbrellas. 

“Come on, it won’t kill you!” Carmen nudges one of the glasses towards Dee with a laugh. Dee figures she should probably be more drunk than she currently is if Carmen’s not going to leave her alone, so she downs the glass and sets it back down on the counter with a little more force than strictly necessary. Carmen grins in delight and sips at her drink, watching Dee openly. 

“Wanna go dance?” Carmen says casually after a few minutes of silence. She extends a hand for Dee to take and Dee stares at it, not sure what to do. “Dee, please?” 

Fuck it. Why not?

~~~~

The door of Dee’s apartment bangs open and the two of them stumble in, wrapped around each other. It quickly slams shut again (much to the chagrin of Dee’s sleeping neighbors) when Carmen pushes Dee up against it, kissing her with everything she has. Dee tangles her fingers in Carmen’s hair and Carmen honest-to-God  _ whines _ and presses closer. Dee snickers into the kiss. 

“Is this what your plan was?” Dee asks, panting, as Carmen traces a line of kisses down her neck and over her collarbones.

Carmen hums into Dee’s skin. “Maybe.”

~~~~

When Dee wakes up in the morning, Carmen is still lying next to her, because of course she would be. Mac did always say that she’s a woman who “goes all in,” but Dee never really expected to be on the receiving end of that. Her hair is splayed out all over Dee’s nice pillows and her makeup is smudged, but she still looks so elegant, so beautiful. Shit, no. No no no no. This was a one-time thing. They were both drunk last night, it was one time, and Carmen needs to leave. Now.

“Carmen, Carmen, wake the fuck up,” Dee hisses as she shakes the other woman awake. Carmen groans and rolls over, but Dee doesn’t stop shaking until she sits up, an annoyed look on her face.

“Well good morning to you, too, sunshine,” she says with a yawn. They blink at each other for a few seconds until panic suddenly floods Carmen’s features. “Shit, what time is it?”

Dee leans over to look at the alarm clock on her bedside table. “It’s twelve.” She narrows her eyes suspiciously. “What, do you have somewhere to be?”

“Oh, shit.” Carmen hauls herself out of bed with a groan and start picking her clothes up off the floor. Dee’s eyes follow Carmen’s movements appreciatively as she hops around the room, pulling on her skinny jeans. Carmen catches her eye and proceeds to pull her shirt over her head while staring back, and she’s doing it on  _ purpose _ , she’s definitely doing it on purpose. Dee squirms under the attention, begins to inspect her cuticles with great fascination.

When Carmen moves into the living room, Dee pulls on a robe and follows, more curious than concerned. Carmen rifles through her purse, takes a white tablet out of a little mint container, and continues into Dee’s kitchen. Great, Dee thinks, she’s probably a psycho. Or a druggie. Or both. 

In Dee’s kitchen, Carmen carefully swallows a sip of water, tilting her head back. “Estrogen,” she explains, raising her eyebrows at Dee’s suspicious look. “I have to take it at the same time every morning.”

“Oh.” Right. Dee clears her throat and busies herself with opening her fridge and staring into it, knowing full well that she hasn’t gone grocery shopping in weeks. After a few seconds of contemplation, Dee pulls out a beer bottle. It’s probably not too early for alcohol. Is it ever too early?

“So…” Carmen hops up on Dee’s counter and just sits there, swinging her legs back and forth like a child. She’s acting like she belongs there, like she belongs in Dee’s kitchen with the sunlight hitting her just right and framing her face in a halo of gold. Dee seethes. “Do you wanna do this again sometime?”

Shocked, Dee spits out a mouthful of beer, rounds on Carmen with fire in her eyes.  “We are NOT making this a regular thing.” 

Carmen’s legs stop swinging and she stares at Dee with an unreadable expression. “Alright, fine.” She hops off the counter. “I guess I’ll just get going, then.” 

“Yeah, you probably should,” Dee says. She collapses into a kitchen chair, watches Carmen gather her things through the doorway to the living room. The only goodbye she gets is the resolute click of her front door closing.

Dee spends the rest of the week trying to get Carmen’s stupid gorgeous face out of her head.

She can’t.

**Author's Note:**

> no beta readers we write ooc like men!  
> i Might continue this?? add a baby?? baby time??  
> come hang out with me on tumblr i'm @mcpoylehateblog


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